For over a decade, I have felt like I was floundering. I’ve always been very sensitive (and pretty dramatic) and I’ve always worried because I didn’t have a solid career or life plan. I felt like I was aimlessly wandering through my life, and the thought of waking up 80 years old and feeling I’d wasted my life made me so anxious.
I have always been hyperaware of how fleeting life is. I remember even as a child, I was scared of wasting time, and not living fully. We lost my dear Uncle Fergie during my teens, very suddenly, and I think this unexpected loss made me realise how unpredictable life is.
As a result, I’ve always felt motivated to live my life fully. I have always wanted to take big risks, live adventurously, and go after exciting things I wanted in my life.
This obsession with living a great life, and not wasting it, is part of what made me so anxious. I clung to this fear of wasting time so aggressively, that I let myself believe because I didn’t have a concrete plan, I was somehow going to get lost along the way and coast through my life.
This week, while journaling with the awesome Liz White’s Transformational Journaling Masterclass, I had the realisation that I’ve let anxiety and doubt completely cloud my vision. I hadn’t even noticed I have already been living my life the exact way I want to.
I have made every major life decision based on how I wanted to feel. I took a degree based on my passion for literature and writing, and how alive I felt immersed in fictional worlds and beautiful poems.
I moved to France for no other reason than I had always wanted to live in Paris. I didn’t worry about post-graduate studying or my career, and I simply moved to a country I had spent years dreaming of.
When I chose to move to Canada, it was on a whim. While I adored Paris, I was feeling heavy and worn down by the city. I was craving silence and wide open spaces and clean air, but moving to Canada terrified me. I was heartbroken to be leaving, I was so torn. Paris set my soul on fire, and I remember so vividly thinking; “Why the hell am I leaving?’ I had no idea what was driving me to leave Paris and I wished my heart was calling me to stay there, instead of move across the world.
But my god, my heart and soul knew exactly what it was doing. I was guided by my intuition, the Universe, whatever you believe in; I was guided to Canada. I met Ben within a month. We were living together within 3, we were in love within 4, and were pregnant within 7 months of knowing each other.
It was a crazy whirlwind, and scary, and exhilarating, and so perfect I couldn’t have dreamt it up any better.
We decided to embark on a life together as parents, after only 7 months of knowing each other. We loved each other so fiercely, and despite the fact we were taking such an incredible leap of faith in each other, I never felt more certain, calm and sure of anything in my life.
Willow is the absolute light of my life. I could never, never have believed how deeply and completely I could love. My life is so complete with her and Ben. The decision to have a child, as a terrified unexpectedly pregnant 24year old, was based purely on how I felt. It made no sense to be having a child when I was in such an uncertain and transitory period of my life. It made no sense to have a child with someone I barely knew, in a country where I held a temporary visa and had never envisioned raising children or making my home permanently.
Yet, I knew it was right for me.
Unknowingly, I have been living my life so deeply connected to my soul, and my heart, and my intuition, but I let the voice of fear shout so loudly I missed the beauty and perfectly aligned nature of my life.
I have spent years of my life berating myself for not knowing what career I wanted, for not knowing what I wanted to do. I had this deep yearning to do something, but I always felt as though I couldn’t quite see through the haze of uncertainty. I couldn’t fully see, feel and know what i wanted.
But shit, I was doing it all along. I was picking a degree that excited me, I was moving to foreign cities that lit my soul on fire, I was diving into motherhood and a beautiful loving relationship; I was listening to my heart and soul every step of the way.
I have doubted myself my whole life, I have doubted my worth, and my path, and I have spent so much time living in fear and doubt. But despite this I have continued to listen to my intuition and make my decisions based on love.
I have loved myself my whole life, and I didn’t even realise. I continued to love myself even when fear told me I was unloveable. My sub conscious is so deeply rooted in love, that even the loudest and most scared fearful voice couldn’t shake my core foundation of love.
I feel like I’ve suddenly seen myself for the first time. I have already been living my life so aligned with what I want to feel. I have put my sense of adventure and desire to enjoy myself at the forefront of everything I’ve ever done. My worries and fears have simply been stories I’ve told myself. My soul has always known what I needed, and where I had to go.
This realisation makes me feel so empowered. It’s like I’ve completely removed all fear of failure from my life. I’ve already thrown myself into several situations that could have failed spectacularly. But every single time, I’ve found something more wonderful than I could have imagined.
I don’t need to worry about what the future holds, or how I’m going to achieve everything I want to. Because I know that whatever feels good to go into, will turn out beautifully.
“Leaning into uncertainty is my superpower” rings true. I make exceptionally wonderful life choices when I listen to how I feel, and make scary wonderful choices.
I can’t recommend Liz’s masterclass enough (and yes, that’s my gushing instagram message on her landing page). I used her prompts, and recommendation of mediating before hand (her free guided meditation can be found here) , and within half a page of writing all the above came tumbling out. My heart was racing, I was shaking, and crying. I was blown away to realise I’ve always loved myself, and I’ve always known what to do. I spent years putting myself down, but under it all I was still loving myself completely and building a beautiful life.
Taking time to quieten your mind, and explore what’s going on is so powerful. I’d never journaled after meditation, or with the techniques Liz sets out. I only had to scratch the surface, and suddenly I could see everything more clearly.
So I challenge you to take some time out, find a quiet spot, spend 5 minutes breathing deeply or using a guided meditation, before pouring your thoughts onto paper. You might be surprised at what comes up when you give your mind the room to stretch itself.