I am trying to write about things I don’t care about right now. I don’t care about smoothies, and recipes, or about writing schedules and to-do lists.
I will never make a career in writing, make my soul crave writing, if I don’t let it run free.
So today I’m writing about mental health, and fear, and that panicky anxious tightness I feel in my throat when I think about whether or not I can manage to build a career, and life, of my dreams.
Recently I’ve been anxious almost to the point of tears, about how I will build this blog. I’ve thought about how I haven’t written in weeks. I’m not feeling inspired or motivated. I feel overwhelmed and doubtful if I’ll ever succeed.
Rationally, I know this is negative, and untrue, and not helping me in any way. But negative self talk and low self esteem often makes it feel like truth.
Instead of pulling myself out of this feeling, I’ve let anxiety wrap itself around my throat, cutting off oxygen and common sense. It’s made me believe every unfounded worry and lie that creeps in.
I know everything I have to do to beat this. Stay active, flood my brain with endorphins, eat well, sleep well, and above all else, WRITE. I need to keep my negative thoughts at bay, and write every day; even if it's just ten minutes.
I’m finding it so damn hard to stay positive recently. Willow has been getting her baby molars, and the poor lamb is getting bug after bug, wailing, dripping snot and drool every two seconds, and wanting to do nothing but breast feed and throw tantrums.
Of course I feel for her. I want to comfort her and love her and make her feel well. But, damn, breastfeeding a toddler around the clock is hard. Listening to a wailing toddler who cannot be calmed is H A R D.
I’m struggling to find the energy to care about anything other than keeping Willow happy and finding a quiet moment to lose myself on instagram.
Along with the mum guilt that seems never ending, I also feel guilty for not pursuing what I’ve said I will. I feel like a liar; to be writing about gratitude lists, and fitness challenges acting like that’s what I do. When honestly, I’ve had one yoga practise in the last few weeks, and I ate leftover mac and cheese for breakfast the other day.
It’s difficult being a mother. And that’s ok. I sometimes feel such enormous pressure to be everything, to everyone, all at once. It’s ok my house is messy, it’s ok I haven’t kept on top of everything.
I definitely have to work on making my mental health and my passions a priority, because when it comes to having to make a sacrifice, my time and my needs are often the first to go.
So, mothers, soon-to-be-mothers, anyone and everyone reading this; if you’re feeling in a funk or out of sorts, know I’m right there with you. It’s all a balancing act and I’ve definitely wobbled and fallen off recently.
All we can do now is take a breath, have a laugh, and get back to the crazy topsy turvy-ness of our lives.
Having an off day? What do you do to snap out of it, or turn your mood around? Let me know your coping techniques and how to get out of a funk! Shoot me an email, comment below, or connect with me on instagram! Can't wait to read all your ideas. xo